The guiding principle in getting over breakups is realizing it’s not about the breakup. It is about what is within you.
What is within you boils down to four types of baggage:
1. Unprocessed narrative
2. Unprocessed emotion
3. Unhealthy Beliefs
4. Unfulfilled Needs
Getting over the breakup involves working with these four types of baggage. Some will be more applicable to your situation than others, and more likely than not, there will be multiple types of baggage going on simultaneously.
Here are some identifying questions to help you see which breakup baggage is most applicable to you. There can be some overlap between the baggage categories, so some questions are in more than one.
🌟 Unprocessed Narrative 🌟
1. Do you have obsessive thoughts and ruminate over the relationship?
2. Was there manipulation involved? Gaslighting? Any form of abusive behaviour? Toxicity?
3. Do you focus on specific incidents in the relationship a lot?
4. Is the story of your relationship convoluted and messy?
5. Were there periods of bliss and love followed by distinct unavailability?
6. Did you feel like you got closure or did the relationship end abruptly and with little communication?
🌟 Unprocessed Emotion 🌟
1. Do you feel a lot of anger and/or sadness?
2. Do you try not to think about the breakup that much?
3. Are you dealing by keeping yourself busy?
4. Do you deal with negative feelings by distracting yourself with other things? friends, going out, casual sex, etc.
5. Were you cheated on? Felt betrayed in any other way?
6. Was there manipulation involved? Gaslighting? Any form of abusive behaviour? Toxicity?
7. When you were in the relationship, did you often keep your true feelings to yourself so as to not rock the boat?
🌟 Unhealthy Beliefs 🌟
1. Are you comparing your life to your ex-partner/ex-friend’s life?
2. Do you feel like ex-partner/ex-friend is better than you?
3. Are you focusing on your ex-partner/ex-friend’s new lovers / friends?
4. Are you spending energy into “improving” yourself post-breakup and doing cool things?
5. Was this ex-partner/ex-friend similar to people you’ve been in relationship with in the past?
6. Were the dynamics similar to past relationships?
7. Do you feel like it will be hard to meet someone who was as good as your ex-partner/ex-friend?
🌟 Unfulfilled Needs 🌟
1. Are you in an on-and-off pattern with your ex-partner/ex-friend?
2. Were there periods of bliss and love followed by distinct unavailability?
3. Was this ex-partner/ex-friend similar to people you’ve been in relationship with in the past? Were the dynamics similar to past relationships?
4. Do you feel uncomfortable being alone and get into new relationships pretty quickly after breakups? 5. Are you trying to get your ex back?
6. Are you waiting for them to contact you, even if you’ve agreed to be no contact?
Based on these questions, you can see which types of baggage resonates with you the most and where you need to focus your healing work on.
This is adapted from Day 1 from the breakup training. If you would like to gain access the rest of the training, you can sign up using the link below 🙂
The Breakup is Not About the Breakup
