So my bday was a day I spent initially very triggered. (I’m a weirdo though and enjoy being triggered at this point in my life because I see them as opportunities to clear shit and uplevel.)
So initially I was on the fence about doing a bday party at all because my connections in Vancouver are kind of new and tenuous. And I actually love to do my own thing and take myself out on dates and such, so it would have been easy to have a great time on my own. (That’s the hidden gift of avoidant attachment — it’s amenable to learning how to really enjoy yourself. But it’s still simultaneously a front for fear of rejection.)
Throwing random-ass gatherings was very much a part of who I was prior to COVID and moving to Vancouver, and I wanted to experiment with putting that old hat back on, so I decided to go for it.
I soon realized, however, that this was worst decision ever. As my bday drew near many people could not make it, and the people that could I was stressed out that they were way too different to get along, and half of them I didn’t even know super well myself.
I had completely forgotten my golden rule of dealing with hostess stress: don’t give a shit if your guests have fun or not, because it’s not really under your control.
So rather than deal with what I was imagining to be an extremely awkward and unbearable time, I decided to cancel it. (Although I don’t think selfishness is bad by default, and can actually be the medicine, this was totallyyyyy a selfish move.)
I felt a huge relief that I could go back to Plan A, fun solo adventuring. 
And so the day of my bday arrived. And… I got some unexpected RSVPs.
Slowly, the feeling that I had made the wrong call / regret started to creep in. “Welp, the decision has been made and I just have to live with it, and tell them the party has been cancelled,” I thought.
-But wait… did I actually have to live with it? Couldn’t I technically reverse the decision?
-But reversing the decision would mean going back to all the people I cancelled on and now UNcancel, and in the process of doing so, basically reveal how bananas I am (even more than I already do on social media, lol.)
-Yeah, there’s no way I could do that. I had no choice but to solemnly live with my decision to cancel until my grave.
And back and forth I went, between my inner turmoil of wanting to uncancel on one hand, and wanting to seem somewhat cool and normal and not lose face, on the other.
Finally—I stopped torturing myself and went inward. As I tuned into myself, it became clear that the most aligned decision was to risk looking 
bananas and uncancel.
“Omg but I totally don’t want to do that,” I thought.
I tuned in and asked my Higher Self / Spirit (who is actually just me, and not me, simultaneously) what I should do.
My spirit said: “The point actually IS to lose face, not about whether people can make it or not. This is a practice in letting down your armour, being transparent, letting people see your squishy side.”
“Ohhhh, okay. Fine. I’ll do it, Higher Self, but I really hope you’re not doing me dirty right now.”
So I held my breath and sent the messages to uncancel the party to the people who RSVPd before, and allowed myself to look like a hot mess. “So yeah, I realized that I let my fears get the better of me and am now uncancelling the party. If you can still make it, would love to have you but I understand if you have other plans now!” I messaged to folks.
I also took the vulnerability train further and told one of my friends who I really wanted to make the party, about how I felt bummed that I didn’t hear back about whether or not they could make it. We ended up having an awesome and transparent discussion.
And what can I say? My higher self did not, in fact, do me dirty and it really pulled through for me. Things ended up going super well, unexpected and awesome people showed up, and I had a great time with the folks who were there.
So yeah, it was a cool experience in essentially doing a trust fall exercise with my intuition and inner guidance, letting go of some of the defences around my heart, and wearing my heart on my sleeve more. As well as practicing being openly bananas.
Originally published July 22 2021.