You want to get over your ex (friend or lover), but…
Your ex moved on.
Has a new partner.
Went on a super cool trip.
Moved into an amazing home (perhaps even with aforementioned shiny new partner).
Seems do be doing just fine without you.
etc. etc.
And you just can’t stop focusing on the details of your ex’s life.
Why is it that we get so freakin’ obsessed with our ex’s business?
There’s a couple of different reasons.
Scenario 1: It could happen if the relationship was toxic/complicated and the obsession is a way of processing that toxicity or convolution. I won’t cover this here, but this post goes into that.
Scenario 2: which I will speak to in this post, is that we obsess about our exes… because we think their business means something about us.
Often, obsessing is born from a combination of scenario 1 and 2. In toxic/unavailable relationships, we might lower ourselves in comparison to our partner to protect the relationship.
When we’re already feeling less-than, those are ripe conditions to focus on beliefs that confirm that less-than feeling:
😭You’re a schmuck for reeling over the breakup while they’re off basking in new relationship energy.
😭You’re a loser because they got an awesome new job while you’re stuck in the one you hate.
😭Your life sucks because they’re off an a world-wide adventure right now while a vacation isn’t in the cards for you for a while.
😭You’re not loveable because why else would they pick someone over you? And treat them so much better than you?
😭You’re unattractive because your ex’s new partner is gorgeous.
😭You must have not meant very much to them if they could move on so quickly.
😭You’ll be alone forever because you won’t find another person who was as great as your ex.
etc. etc.
Okay…
So what if it was true that they didn’t think much of you, that you were the more invested one?
So what if they are having a blast with their new boo?
So what if their life is genuinely awesome right now and it’s not just social media shiny life syndrome?
When we ruminate on what’s going on with our ex, we think we’re obsessing about them, but what we’re actually doing is obsessing about our insecurities.
We project our insecurities onto our ex, using the ex as a confirmation of what our subconscious believes about ourselves. i.e “See, I’m not good enough—why else would they have left me?”
If ex-obsessing is related to distorted beliefs, the solution is to address those beliefs. We need to refocus all that energy spent being in our ex’s business back towards ourselves.
We need to aggressively get in our own lane.
Because our ex is… irrelevant.
At the heart of it, this is about your relationship with yourself. It’s about your path, and your relationship to your path.
😮 How to stop obsessing 😮
💡Figure out what the root belief is ex. “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not loveable”, “I’m not worthy”, etc, and rewire it. You can use modalities like tapping(my fave), hypnosis, CBT, inner child work, and others, to rewire beliefs.
💡Figure out the associated beliefs that come with the root belief. i.e the root belief of “I’m not good enough” might have associated beliefs of “I’m not attractive,” “I’m not making enough money”, etc.
💡Address what desires the obsession with your ex might be reflecting. Ruminating on that awesome job they landed? It might be because you would like to have a job like that too, and a part of you believes you can’t have something like that.
💡Address attachment to the timeline. We compare where we’re at with others, but often this does our journey a disservice.
We need to place as much value on the messy, unglamorous, unsexy work of the void as much as the #winning, fun, happy, shiny aspects of life. You doing the work of healing is as valid as your ex going off and adventuring with their new lover. It’s just where y’all are at in your timelines. Exactly where you are at is sacred.
Messiness and struggle is divinely human. Doing the work now will set you up even better for the fun parts ahead 🙂
💡If the relationship was toxic, convoluted, emotionally inconsistent—also process that aspect of the relationship.
Hope this helps. If you want some guidance to make doing the work easier, join us over at the new group The Break-Up Roadmap — For Platonic and Romantic Relationships!
❤️ Tasmia
(thuss-me-ah), Smia for short
P.S Shout out to my client who helped me refine this idea through working on their breakup together!